Let it.

When I was a little girl, I remember coming home from the hospital after my sister was born and being in the backseat of our car. In my little exhausted voice, I parroted back the words being cooed to me

“Almost sigh home. Almost sigh home.”

I didn’t realize until recently that this had become a mantra for me that I would dig up when I was depleted but knew I needed to keep pushing onward. A generational reframe.

And for the longest time, I assigned home as somewhere I had to get back to. That’s what we do as young humans, we go out into the world and explore around and wander and try to find our limits and the limits of our surroundings and then we go back home. You do that enough times and it just becomes what you do. You do your human thing and then you go back home.

Is home always back? We are all searching for something familiar. Something comforting and tangible. We spend so much of our young lives with these tethers holding us to safety and familiarity. There’s so much fear in the unknown, so much that can hurt us out there in the world. But, is it right to raise our children with so much fear? There is a lot to be afraid of. But there is so much beauty and goodness all around us too. There becomes this push and pull. We resist our cages and we cling to our safety nets.

So the child grows up and leaves the nest and starts a family of their own. And we find ourselves reaching out for what ‘was’ in all these seemingly innocuous ways. We build these structures based on the blueprints we have seen. Familiar seems like the safest option, especially when you are standing on the edge of the abyss. Home and all its comforts are back in the woods, where it is safe.

But what if going home needn’t be a backward movement? Home is such a nebulous concept and can leave us without words to accurately explain how we feel or why we feel it. The dimensions of language fail us so often here, especially when we start to talk about things that are on the edge of our own understanding.

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“You will not recognize the woman you are becoming”

Where am I going?

Where is home?

How do I do this without breaking? Or is breaking part of what must unfold? Can there be growth without death? There is a cycle of life and death for a damn good reason. So is my own clinging to what I am familiar with really adequate means to resist this natural flow? Is it even necessary? Who am I to challenge a system that is perfect?

In and out.

Life and death.

Decomposition.

Cellular generation.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

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You will not recognize the woman you are becoming. Let it erode you. Let the process unfold. Let it. Why are you fighting this? What are you afraid of? Why is anger the way you express your fear? Stop agonizing over how it looks and just stand in it. Let it erode the parts of you that you don’t need anymore.

Ram Dass speaks of simultaneously holding your awareness in more than one plane of consciousness. If I am to let go and let the parts of my carefully constructed ego dissolve, what is left? How do I untangle my soul from my ego? I know they are separate. I know that I know nothing. And that it is all okay. This is how it has to be. Let it.